I hate surprises. I think I even hate when people say the word surprise. I like to know. I don't want to be shocked... and yet, this was one surprise that I needed in my life. Don't get me wrong, it was not easy to not find out. Every single day I wanted to know. And every single day I felt a little bad that I didn't find out because I felt like we got to know Kaden and Cam while they were in my belly. We knew their names and we associated their movements with their personalities. We didn't do that this time and part of me felt like we lost 5 months of time getting to know her. But not finding out was the best surprise of my life.
I have a few favorite moments from the day Ryane was born, and it started with just her and me, alone in the dark, sipping a cup of coffee. Even though I wasn't scheduled to have her until 1:30, I set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. I calculated when the last moment was I would be allowed to eat or drink anything and made myself coffee (without coffee I was afraid I'd get a headache and feel a bit out of it). I took the cup into my bed, put my hand on my belly and just felt her move. I don't know if we will have another baby and I wanted to make sure that I cherished this time. Just us.
No one will ever know the strength of my love for you.
After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
Another moment that stands out in my head is watching the world around me go about their daily life while I was among them but felt like an outsider looking in. I don't know if I described that well. But because my surgery was scheduled so late in the day, I took the boys to school, I sat at Starbucks, I got a pedicure and went to a bakery to pick up cupcakes. I was there, going through the motions, but my mind was somewhere else.
I waited my whole pregnancy to feel like I would be okay with a boy or a girl. I said I would be but I didn't know if I really believed myself. On the way to the hospital, and I can picture exactly where on Central Expressway I was, I realized that no matter what this baby was, I was good as long as the surgery went well and he or she was healthy. Nothing else at the point mattered and I just wanted us to be okay.
I still giggle thinking about when we checked in at the hospital. We got all our paperwork done quickly and there was hardly anyone else there. The woman said, "Okay, now you can go back to the pre-op room, B as in boy." I looked at Nic with this "oh no she didn't" look. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Maybe she meant, B as in it's going to B a girl." Ha! He was and is always there for me. His support means everything.
During the surgery, I was a wreck. I wasn't thinking about the baby. I could feel my heart beating. I could feel the blood pressure changes. WHOEVER LEFT THE MONITOR SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO MY EYES- THANKS FOR NOTHING! I remember Nic's nervous laugh when the doctor asked him to stand up and take a guess what the gender was based on her face. "She has girl parts" is still talked about often. I'll never forget that I was unable to speak. I could hardly open my mouth to whisper.
The doctor held her up and I thought... "Oh, wow. She's so fat!" She wasn't cute! She was so smushed up and swollen. She pooped down the doctor's gown within the first few seconds of her holding her up. I felt really bad about that!
But seriously, she's already got rolls!
You got your girl. That's what people have said to me all year. Even when people would just simply ask how many kids I have and I'd say two boys and a girl. You got your girl.
I got my girl.
She's been the best and it's been a great year. Recently a friend told me that looks-wise, she is the missing link between Kaden and Cam. Nic and I agree that is true, but on a much deeper level. She is the missing link in our family. She is the calm during the storm. She makes Kaden and Cam better brothers. She makes me a better mom. She is loved more that I thought I could love and adored beyond words. One more interesting thing about her birth is something that I just found out when I looked at pictures of the day she was born. When Kaden was born, I was hopeful he would be born on 3/8/08 (which he was) because my birthday is 8/3/80. I liked how the numbers mimicked each other. He was born at 8:03 and before they turned the scale to pounds, he was 3380 grams. Cam was born at 8 pounds, 3 ounces. I found this picture the other day and couldn't believe I didn't know this:
How did I never know this? 3800 grams!
I love looking back on this day. It doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I was able to hold her in my arms for the first time.
I love this picture. I love this beautiful feeling.
I'm going to go enjoy my last day of having an under 1 year old :) Happy birthday week!
